"APPROVED"

One picture = Thousand words. Now you can see why I love to go grocery shopping, slide my card at the checkout and... wait for it... "APPROVED"
I get approval each and every time.
I sure didnt get it from this woman!

Me: "Disappointing parents since 1959."

Forgiveness

True Love and Forgiveness does NOT mean I am not angry anymore, it does not mean forgetting it, and it does not mean I just act like nothing bad ever happened. This LOVE that I am showing by my cutting off of all relationship is vital to the well-being of my abuser, my offender. Because if I stuff my anger, pretend it didn’t happen before, and if I keep walking back into the situation with him where he does more evil, then I am NOT doing what is best for him. This strong statement that I am making by not being with him in the same place is the kind of love that brings about eternal impact. I am actually loving my father in a more important way than ANYBODY else in his life.

I am saying to him “what you are doing is wrong, it has caused a serious breach in our relationship and you need to suffer the consequences of a broken relationship with me so that you “taste” death in a way that will cause you enough pain to stop what you are doing, and hopefully turn to Christ. A taste of death now is better for you than to be allowed to continue and have the first consequence of your self righteousness be when you face your Creator.”

***

I have been representing Jesus Christ to this man since 1973 and this is the highest form of love I can give to this person at this time and I only wish I had done this much earlier.

The Graduate

The Graduation went so smoothly. I am so proud of my daughter, Renee. BSN, now she studies for the next month to take her boards in early July. RN. She does have a job lined up for August in town, but it is not official as yet.

Mom, Marie, and Court drove down on Friday morning, arrived in Baltimore just in time to see my daughter get pinned in the first ceremony. Because of cell phones, I was able to call and get immediate directions from her boyfriend Jason.
Jason had just graduated from Temple the day before. Congratulations Jason.

After this ceremony, walked back to Renee's apartment and ate the Italian lunch that Renee requested from our local deli. Mom brought tomatoes for the caprizzi salad and cousin Marie brought homemade brownies. We then walked to the graduation ceremony.

I got emotional seeing the School of Nursing walk in. When their degree was announced, the newly minted MDs all stood up with their green sashes and tipped their hats in homage to the new nurses. Nicely done! The little comments from the individual deans and the Dean of the school were well orchestrated and made it interesting. We got on the road shortly after this ceremony and her father's family took over celebrating with her by taking her to dinner in Little Italy.

It was so good to see my eldest and her husband too. It has been awhile since we last spent some quality time together. They all gave me a gift certificate to iTunes for Mother's Day. It will be used wisely.

Taught Sunday School this morning on Hebrews Chapter 7, Melchisadek, a difficult lesson for me, as well as 11 year old people. But with supernatural power, The Lord helped me communicate the treasure that He gave to me in preparation. The appearance of Melchizadek as a picture of Christ showed that God was anxious to show His people what was to come. Amazing God. Amazing Grace that I can do this for Him. It is when I am teaching that I sense His Power the most. It takes me all day to come back down from the joy of it.

Great weekend, will live in my memory. Congratulations Nurse Renee. I am so very proud of you and all of your accomplishments.

Things I learned this weekend

People have a lot of trouble with the truth.

That Jack Nicholson line "you can't handle the truth" is repeated often because it is so commonly experienced.

Whether they ask you a question about it or not, people don't really want your ideas and opinions unless it already agrees with their own. But it is ok for you to hear theirs. Have you noticed this?

You really can't make fun of narcissists. They really don't do well with being mocked. Paranoids, same thing. So hard for me because they are so darned funny.
Comedy is an extremely important coping mechanism.

I have some of these people close to me. It is best not to laugh at them or have any opinions of my own in their earshot. It is best not to be too happy around unhappy people too.

So from now on, I will continue to draw my mocking cartoons but keep them to myself. Someday though, I plan on publishing them.

Taught 5th graders Hebrews 5 and 6 today. One of the most difficult lessons to titrate and relate to this level. We talked about the feeling you get when you know that you have done something wrong. That need to talk to God about it, but the fear of that too. Repentance and Confession and the lies the enemy would have you believe. (you can't get back so you might as well continue)

I believe in reading directly from scripture and then commenting and getting feedback so I know they are comprehending. Prayed alot in the beginning and during this class when the sledding seemed to get rough. I am satisfied with what they seemed to take away. It is such a joy to hear what interests them and the issues they think about in the Lord. One boy said he listened to Chuck Missler with his father.

This class is just hitting the good stretch now. I'll have them for two more weeks in May, then again in July and then a new group starts in September. They have reached a level of maturity, interest and self direction. They are able to formulate good thoughts and observations. They are able to notice and verbalize the hypocrisy that they see all the time from believers around them. From the idea of maturity, we got on foul language, and how that reflects on one's maturity in Christ. These kids hear foul language from christian kids all around them, daily. Sad.

I pray I make a difference in their lives for eternity.

Chaplain Disaster

No, not "Captain Disaster." That's Chaplain. I really just wanted the cool jacket. You know, with the huge neon letters on the back?

One of the most important times of my life was when I realized that God called me to His service. First as His Sunday school teacher, and then as chaplain for disaster. The training that I received was wonderful starting with attending the Site in NY of the Trade Center just after 9-11. I had the opportunity to go 4 times during October-December. I will never forget these days and the friendships that were bonded.
I often tell people that this was my Gettysberg equivalent. I know that as tears were shed, my presence meant something to those people. What an honor wearing the name Billy Graham disaster relief tag. It was Samaritan's Purse that we were part of in those days. Billy's name opened doors and got us to the site in order to listen and heal. I was with people from every nation as they grieved. I will never forget the little 8 year old boy who looked up at me as I was counselling the whole family. He thought I was finally going to answer his question, "WHY did this happen?" His father was a window washer and was now unemployed. We gave them free toys that Christmas, and they had to check in with us as we explained the Hope of Jesus at Christmas. There were language barriers. Some of the maids and porters and window washers were from Haiti, Dominican Republic and many other Hispanic nations. I so wished I had retained more of my Spanish, and kept up with it. What little language that I retained amused a few people in NY in a dark time. And I do amuse people no matter how dark it gets.

I never did get that jacket with the Chaplain on the back. Maybe next disaster.

What Else Can One Do?

I'm finding that the Lord has changed me. I'm sensing more integrity of character.
I dont know what was wrong before exactly, but I know I am more industrious, less lazy. I have more cheer, a better attitude. More competence, more confidence. Seems as though I am seeing clearly. Ironic though isnt it?...as my eyes are fading, and my body has less energy. I'm an enigma, wrapped in a mystery and served on a bed of rice. Or lettuce. I forget how that really goes.

At work, the hard part is finished. We have moved and I have done a major physical work. Unpacking the cubes of those who are out on disability for some reason. We have two men in our department. None of these young male muscles were available today for the hard part. One called in sick, the other was just useless. Unpacked his own files and then sat down. How much more respect I would have for him if he unpacked the files of others. But No. The work was done by overweight middle aged women who have some serious physical problems. One needs double knee and ankle surgery, and huffs and puffs just walking a few feet. The always-on-Monday-sick weight lifter type actually had his files unpacked by a very small older woman who is about to retire.

Sometimes I wish I was naive like before and couldn't see so clearly.

Women's Ministry
My dear friend Lorraine brought up the subject of women's ministry today at breakfast. "Funny you should say that." I was just thinking about why I dont like ministry specially designed for women. Perhaps the Lord wants me to look at this more closely. I recounted a story to Lorraine about the time I taught women's ministry at my old church, Freedom. I taught on the place of good works in our eternal life. I cited and referenced and studied and presented well. Then found out after a year that that lesson threatened the pastor. He told me that I was like a "first year resident doing heart surgery." Shocked at the time, but now I see more clearly what that was all about. They just wanted fluff for the women. Nothing of substance. Shortly after that incident I attended the Women of Faith conference in Philadelphia. It was like a Queen for A Day pageant, one sob story after the other. Then LOTS of products to buy during each break. No real substance. Plenty of emotion.

Today after work, I stopped to get coffee cream at the market. Ran into someone who recognized me from Calvary Chapel. That usually doesnt happen, especially near my home, we were about 40 minutes away from church. Her name is Kay and we met at women's ministry. That is a positive about Women's ministry. You can meet and get to know other women. I had this Women's ministry discussion with Jill last week too. What does the Lord want me to do? If I approached the leaders at Calvary and suggested I would like a leadership position, I MIGHT get to be a co-facilitator of a group. But I want to teach. IF I became famous for having suffered some public tragedy like nursing my saved, serving husband through a long illness followed by a "negative patient outcome" and he had a visible place in the church, I would get to be a speaker. Here's how that "teaching" goes.

I have suffered. Let me tell you how I have suffered. Oh how I have suffered.
But God... insert scripture here....more bible verses....more....
and about 10 more. (I hope you are taking notes.)
OH I am still suffering, but God is here.
"Thou He SLAY ME....." the end. Now for a SONG.

Unless my teaching fits into that template, I will not be able to do this.
Unless my husband is high profile saved, I will be invisible.
Women who are divorced or married to an unsaved man, invisible in the church.

Oh and if I have to sit through that story one more time about how Ruth Bell Graham never thought of divorcing her famous husband.... punchline goes, "Divorce NO, murder YES." I will just SCREAM and run out.

And if ONE more person says IPeter 3 to me I will SMACK them. No kidding. Stoppit.

OH, here's another favorite. "you know, you make a lousy Holy Ghost."
yeah, I know.

Full Day

Just added to iPod tonight: Robin Marks (revival in Belfast) among a few other favorite worship songs. Great folk Irish worship. "Be Unto Your Name" havent heard this in 5 years!! We just dont do that song at Calvary. Reminds me so much of my former worship leader, Dave. Miss him. Promise to call him and catch up.

Helped to move the department today to the new building. It was very hard physically moving, lifting and emptying boxes, and there is more of that tomorrow. Going to work on SATURDAY. "I'm going to have to ask you to...." It's only for the morning though and it will be fun. I DO love the new building, it's like working in a huge mall. Large light filled atrium and two different places to eat, the food is actually GOOD, there is no reason to ever need to leave the campus during the day to get food. Unlike what we are used to, the prices even seem reasonable. The robot mail cart is going to take some getting used to. Felt like I was in a movie today.
I still get a thrill from seeing my name on a cube. Red carpet rolled out for us, feeling of belonging. Course, the name tag is magnetized, easily removed, replaced. sigh.

Work is where I spend most of my good conscious energy and waking life. It has been a privilege working for this company, supporting and helping brilliant people make better medicine. I am seemingly misplaced in my present department, but I believe none of this time is wasted. We have a strange team of AAs, various skill levels, and backgrounds, but we have had a lot of fun coming together as a team, laughing, running this move project. Jealous of the stamina of the others. One would never guess that these women were capable of such physically demanding work. I especially enjoy Loretta's Irish-Philadelphia humor. Reminds me so much of the friends of my parents that I grew up with. "Uncle Fred and Aunt Betty, Aunt Franny" among others.

Dr called tonight with results of my blood test from Tuesday. Cholesterol is high, 240. I'm on the border of where they want to give Statin treatment. Dont want it.
Mentioned low fat diet and retest in 6 months. I dont agree. The other test that I was interested in was the Rheumatoid Arthritis. Yes, numbers elevated. Showed muscle inflamation. Thanks again Lyme Disease. What will a Rheumatologist do for me? Pain meds? Vioxx anyone? Dr. was funny. "I'm going to put you on a low fat diet, do you know what that is?" No, I'm a 50 year old female, I havent the foggiest idea of what you are talking about, doc.

Saw Pride and Prejudice tonight with Kiera Knightly. It was just beautifully filmed, wonderfully acted. Artwork.

Received large order of new beads from Fire Mountain Gems that I had ordered as well as my gatorboard, new journal, and dvd about card making. UPS driver gave me a funny look. Maybe because I had special instructions on the package referring to him as "Dear Gingerbread Man." Or maybe because my viscious dogs chased him back to his truck. dunno.

Thank you Jesus for my job, my life, my words that you bless, my art and my ability to see and appreciate. Amen.

iPod changed my Life

I have become dependent on this tool. My day includes RZIM, Ravi Zacharias podcast. Love to listen in the half hour before I must get out of the bed. Great way to start the day, activate the mind. I often want to have a pencil to take notes, phrases, great thoughts. Then, I listen to Chuck Missler's Podcast, 60/40. Just finished the book of Proverbs with him. Start the day with three spiritual giants. My own Pastor Joe completes the trio on the way to work, Straight from the Heart, presently in the book of Romans. By now, it's 8:00, time to go in the building fortified by the Word of God brought to me by 3 men who have dedicated their lives to God and the study of His word. So who needs a husband?

On the weekends, some of the best music to clean by is on my iPod. Lots of Spanish guitar, Piano music, Classic Hymns, Michael Buble, and the latest additions, Roby Duke: Relaxed Fits and Ghost. Recently Manipulated individual lists for bedtime, Spanish, Piano, and worship. Gershwin, Rhapsody in Blue and Gloria Gaynor, I Will Survive. This is an amazing tool. I'm eclectic. Renee put some of her tunes on for me as well. Thanks Renee, I'm rounded out. You complete me.
The iPod tells a tale of one's life.

Also listen to some fun stuff. Starshollowpodcast about Gilmore Girls. A youth pastor and his young wife discuss all things Gilmore. Fun.

I have the first season of LOST on there, but have only watched the first 3 episodes. Been too tired at lunch to watch tv. I have an episode of Monk and The Office. And the audio book, The Kite Runner. Got about half way through that. I didnt get hooked on it. Take it or leave it. I'll have to give it another chance.
I have two of Chonda Pierce's books too. One time through was enough.

God is good to me.

It was a great weekend. Perfect weather, got a lot accomplished even though I was physically exhausted from work. God met me at church. Imagine that. Saw Roby on Sunday morning. I was unable to go to the concert on Saturday night. Too exhausted... but I wanted to go. Argued with myself. Bought the cd anyway on Sunday. After communion service Sunday evening, I was able to tell Roby how much he meant to me and that something he said 4 years ago meant a lot to me and changed my life. Teared up a bit as usual when talking about anything meaningful. He was great though. Later after Sunday evening service, he told me that what I said to him meant a lot to HIM. That he had asked God a question on Saturday night and my approaching him and telling him what I told him was the answer to that question. What was the question? Might have been something like..."do the things I SAY matter?" "Am I a preacher or a musician, should I just play music?" That's my guess. Everything matters, even facial expressions. I think he called me something endearing. No one ever says that to me. No one. If no one treats you with love, it is hard to believe that God loves you. I stood up for prayer during communion service. A woman named Justice from South Africa stood next to me and prayed for me. Told her she looked like Iman. Everyone tells her that. One of the pastors asked me how I was doing. Told me that I was an encouragement to HIM because I dont give up. I received more than my portion.